I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
