I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
