Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
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