from now on my penis is your penis
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
Randomize