In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
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