Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Randomize
