Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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