i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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