I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Randomize
