the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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