I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
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