i would punch a child for taco bell
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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