Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
