3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
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