So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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