What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
