I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
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