an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
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