I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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