so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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