I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
