haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
