I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
