I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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