Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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