my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
