don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
Swine flu is the new snow day.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I think pants incapable of making pants work
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
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