if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Randomize
