I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Randomize
