Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
Actions speak louder than pants.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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