so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Randomize
