Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
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