Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
