Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
