How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
