im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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