all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
