you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
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