This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize