I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
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I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
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