nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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