The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
You made out with two different species that night
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
