It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
