Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
