ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
