drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
