Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
