I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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