Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
