JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
