we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Randomize
