If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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