she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
