perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize
