I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Randomize
