Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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